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writing ielts task 2: community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmes

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Hannah Robin

New member
Oct 17, 2020
1
0
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Hi. I'm new here. Could someone please help me about grammar structure, vocabulary? Also, is this essay clear for you?

Some people believe that community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmes (for example: working for a charity, improving the neighborhood or teaching sports for younger children). To what extend do you agree or disagree?

It is suggested that social service should be included in curriculum of high schoolers. I strongly disagree with this idea as I believe this would put young people under pressure and make them become easy targets for ulterior motives of scam charitable organizations.

Three years of high school are one of the most crucial phases of a person's life. First, it is the important stage for students to lay foundations for their future, which directly affects their success later in life. They are surely engrossed in their hectic study schedule both at school and at home; therefore, as expected, not every teenager at that age has ability to balance schooling and charity work. As a result, doing community service would soon turn into burden to them whereas it is supposed to be voluntary work filled with willingness and generosity.

At the same time, obligatory unpaid work raises concerns about using underage labor. The number of volunteer organizations has increased roughly but lack of government's control can lead to serious consequences. It is a familiar scene on the internet where posts of disadvantaged children, degraded schools in remote areas,...are used to seek for support. However, not all of them are legal. Some take advantage of innocent and inexperienced youngsters to look for free workforce. For the sake of children, what we should do when young people have free time is to encourage them to relax after hours of studying.

In conclusion, in my opinion, putting community service into high school programmes may have negative effects on the well-being of children.
 

englishgeek

Member
Sep 23, 2020
63
1
8
These are just my corrections. I am a native speaker, but my grammar is far from perfect. I hope it provides you some benefit.

It is suggested that social service should be included in the curriculum of high schoolers. I strongly disagree with this idea as I believe this would put young people under pressure and make them become easy targets for ulterior motives of scam charitable organizations.

Three years of high school are one of the most crucial phases of a person's life. First, it is an important stage for students to lay foundations for their future, which directly affects their success later in life. They are surely engrossed in their hectic study schedule both at school and at home; therefore, as expected, not every teenager at that age has the ability to balance schooling and charity work. As a result, doing community service would soon turn into a burden to them whereas it is supposed to be voluntary work filled with willingness and generosity.

At the same time, obligatory unpaid work raises concerns about using underage labor. The number of volunteer organizations has increased roughly but lack of government's control can lead to serious consequences. It is a familiar scene on the internet where posts of disadvantaged children, degraded schools in remote areas,...are used to seek for support. However, not all of them are legal. Some take advantage of innocent and inexperienced youngsters to look for a free workforce. For the sake of children, what we should do when young people have free time is to encourage them to relax after hours of studying.

In conclusion, in my opinion, putting community service into high school programmes may have negative effects on the well-being of children.

My notes:

I would prefer to write "high school students" rather than "high schoolers".

The grammar structure is good. Your argument is clear and you provide various examples which support your case. Good job.

My suggestion would be to perhaps mention what a location which you are talking about to provide some context and perhaps give an example from your personal experience. This of course is just my suggestion.
 
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