please help me correct my writing task 1 . Thank you very much.

[Hermione granger]

The first chart below shows how energy is used in an average Australian household. The second chart shows the greenhouse gas emissions which result from this energy use.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The first pie chart illustrates how a typical Australian household use energy for six particular purposes. The second one gives information about the proportion of gas emissions due to each kind of energy use. It is obvious that heating is the most common consumption of energy while water heating releases the largest amount of gas emissions into the environment.

In the first pie chart, it can be seen that people spend most of energy for heating with 42 percentage of heating and 30 percentage of water heating. However, heating do not discharge much gas emissions with only 15 percent. On the other side, the largest source of gas emissions is water heating with over 30 percent. Other appliances also accounts for 15 percent use of energy which lead to second highest gas effusion with 28 percent.

On the other hand, refrigeration, lighting and cooling are not used much in the household with only 7 percent, 4 percent and 2 percent respectively. As a result, they emit low amount of gas into the environment with the lowest of 3 percent for cooling.

 

[Hermione granger]

Can you also predict what my band score for this task is. Thank you in advance!

 

[alexanderfinn]

I don't want to predict the band score. On a first reading it seemed quite good but a closer examination reveals an number of probnlems.

Some points: 'It is obvious' - change to 'It is clear'. 'Obvious' in English suggests that you have to be a bit stupid not to see it.

'Heating is the most common consumption' - I am not sure why it is 'the most common' nor can heating be a 'consumption'. How about 'Heating consumes the greatest amount of energy'?.

Para. 2 'people spend most of energy for heating', should be 'most of the energy used goes on heating' and try not to confuse 'percent' with 'percentage'.

You say 'on the other side' which is not a common expression and then nearly repeat it with 'on the other hand'.

Paragraph 2 also has problems with agreement and the use of 'much': ' heating do not discharge ' (should be 'does') 'much' should be followed with the uncountable 'gas'. When you introduce the countable 'emissions' you have to use ' a lot of'.

This sentence is problematic: 'Other appliances also accounts for 15 percent use of energy which lead to second highest gas effusion with 28 percent.' Change 'accounts' to 'account'. '15 per cent use of energy' should be 'fifteen percent of the total energy usage.' and 'which lead to second highest gas effusion ' should be 'which leads to the second highest amount of gas emission'.

Finally in the last paragraph: ' they emit low amount of gas into the environment with the lowest of 3 percent for cooling .' should read ' they emit a low quantity of gas into the environment and the lowest emitter is cooling, with three percent'