• If you would like to support our site, please subscribe to our Youtube channel. We are aiming to get 1,000 subscribers so it can start earning money English Forum on Youtube

IELTS Writing Task 2 (Please evaluate)

Welcome to EnglishForum.com!
Are you ready to improve your English? Sign up free today!
Sign up

kaito

New member
Jan 17, 2021
2
0
1
Hello Sir, could you please evaluate my essay, my target band score is 6. Thank you :)

*** Topic ***
Some shops are open 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. Do you think it is a good thing for the customer, the shop staff and the company as a whole?


Nowadays, some stores decide to open and work the whole year, without shutting down. However, while some people believe that this is against human rights for the shop staff. I would argue that this can be beneficial for the customers, shop staff, and the company as well.

To begin with, shops that are always open 24 hours a day, serve some customers, especially for those who need urgent stuff to buy, during the non-working hours. For example, people may need to buy urgent medicines at midnight, or parents might want to get food for their babies. Furthermore, shops that are always open play a crucial role to fight the problem of unemployment. For instance, more jobless people can find jobs or even can work two jobs, so they can support their family.

Another advantage of shops being open all the time. is that can increase the revenue of the company. To illustrate, companies can double their annual revenue if they get to sell their products to clients 24 hours a day. Also, they can expand their business and be able to open more shops all around the country or even the world. Besides, companies will play an important role in society. This is because they will provide more jobs for people, and they will help to fight poverty.

To conclude, while some argue that it is not good for shops to work 24 hours a day. I believe It is beneficial for customers in case of emergencies, also for shop staff to work more than a job, and for the company as well because it will increase their revenue.

(269 words)
 

englishgeek

Active member
Sep 23, 2020
255
31
28
Nowadays, some stores decide to are open and work operate the whole year, without shutting down. However, while some people believe that this is against human rights for the shop staff, I would argue that this can be beneficial for the customers, shop staff, and the company as well.

To begin with, shops that are always open 24 hours a day, serve some customers, especially for those who need urgent stuff to buy, during the non-working hours. For example, people may need to urgently buy urgent medicines at midnight, or parents might want to get food for their babies. Furthermore, shops that are always open play a crucial role to fight the problem of unemployment. For instance, more jobless unemployed people can find jobs or even can work two jobs, so they can support their family.

Another advantage of shops being open all the time, is that they can increase the revenue of the company. To illustrate, companies can double their annual revenue if they get to sell their products to clients 24 hours a day. Also, they can expand their business and be able to open more shops all around the country or even the world. Besides, companies will play an important role in society. This is because they will provide more jobs for to people, and they will help to fight poverty.

To conclude, while some argue that it is not good for shops to work 24 hours a day, I believe It is beneficial for customers in case of emergencies, also for shop staff to work more than a job, and for the company as well because it will increase their revenue.

Feedback

A few times you had a period in the middle of the sentence, when I believe you wanted to use a comma. Be careful with that.

In the introduction you said some people believe "it is against human rights for the shop staff". It is a strong statement and you never mentioned it again in the essay.

Some things which I would have written about include:

- Having staff work throughout the night means they have to work unsociable hours, possibly away from their families.

- Stores open 24 hours might be subject to robberies

- Smaller family run stores, so called "mom and pop stores" cannot compete with national and international convenience store brands that can open 24/7.

I think at the minimum you would get a 6 for this essay, but could work your way up to a 7.
 
  • Like
Reactions: kaito

englishgeek

Active member
Sep 23, 2020
255
31
28
Please understand my score is only a guide. The real test situation could be quite different.