Can you revise this for me please? Thank you so muchhh!

Welcome to EnglishForum.com!
Are you ready to improve your English? Sign up free today!
Sign up

xuankhanh

New member
Jun 19, 2021
5
0
1
Topic:
The number of people who are at risk of serious health problems due to being overweight is increasing. What is the reason for the growth in overweight people in society? How can this problem be solved?


Essay:
On this day and age, despite the development of many healthcare facilities in society, more citizens are likely to have hazardous medical issues that are caused by obesity. While several factors explain this trend, steps must be taken to address this phenomenon.

A sedentary lifestyle and an unhealthy diet are absolutely the principal reasons for this growth of overweight cases. It is true that in this era of technology, instead of playing various sports outdoors in their leisure time, individuals often attach their eyes to digital devices such as phones or televisions. Consequently, they will not work out and be prone to fatness. Furthermore, people’s meals have been changed significantly over the past few years. Unlike in the past, with the appearance of fast food, they are becoming more unbalanced and detrimental. To demonstrate, surveys have shown that citizens tend to be obese when they eat too much junk food such as burgers or fried chickens, therefore, their health will be unstable and always be risky.

However, despite the instant rise in overweight of people, there is a multitude of solutions we can apply to deal with it. First, regular exercises, such as walking or cycling, need to be performed to prevent this trend since it can help us to burn our calories and always stay in good physical condition. Second, authorities need to raise taxes on all fast-food products, as a result, individuals will eat these less frequently as they are so costly

To sum up, a lazy lifestyle and an unbalanced diet are the main factors causing this issue, however, to prevent obesity, we can regularly work out and the government needs to discourage all types of harmful products.
 

englishgeek

Active member
Sep 23, 2020
693
151
43
OIn this day and age, despite the development of many healthcare facilities in society, more citizens are likely to have hazardous medical issues that are caused by obesity. While several factors explain this trend, steps must be taken to address this phenomenon.

A sedentary lifestyle and an unhealthy diet are absolutely the principal one of the main reasons for this growth of in overweight cases. It is true that in this era of technology, instead of playing various sports outdoors in their leisure time, individuals often attach their eyes to digital devices such as phones or televisions. Consequently, they will not work out and be prone to fatness. Furthermore, people’s meals have been changinged significantly over the past few years. Unlike in the past, with the appearance of fast food, they are becoming more unbalanced and detrimental. To demonstrate, surveys have shown that citizens tend to be obese when they eat too much junk food such as burgers or fried chickens, therefore, their health will be unstable and always be risky.

However, despite the instant rise in the number of overweight of people, there is are a multitude of solutions that we can apply to deal with it. First, regular exercises, such as walking or cycling, need to be performed to prevent this trend since it can help us to burn our calories and always stay in good physical condition. Second, authorities need to raise taxes on all fast-food products, as a result, individuals will eat these less frequently as they are so costly.

To sum up, a lazy lifestyle and an unbalanced diet are the main factors causing this issue, however, to prevent obesity, we can regularly work out and the government needs to discourage all types of harmful products.

Feedback

Good job overall. I would suggest being careful with phrases like "absolutely", especially when we are trying to give a balanced perspective/answer.